Am I wrong, or was this "economic stimulus package" designed to be an emergency infusion of finances into the heart of a pallid America? I'm sure it was, and although this may seem like another Obama rant, it's not. It's simply one more reason not to trust anyone - especially our elected officials - with our money.

It's a lesson that my young children will soon learn, I told my wife just this morning. It wasn't meant to include pet-project funding. Far from it. All along homeowners have been scraping by, corporate bailout after corporate bailout, waiting for something to come our way, and here it is.

I've scanned the 756-page American Recovery & Reinvestment Act to identify just a few of the stimulus package's more eyebrow-raising items, commonly called "pork" by politicians and journalists alike. So tuck in that nakpin and fire up the carving knife, 'cause here we go ...

• $650 million for the digital television converter box coupon program. … It's also called the Blue-Hair Bailout.

• $1 billion for the 2010 Census, which has an estimated overrun of $3 billion. … Maybe they need to re-crunch the numbers.

• $10 million to inspect urban canals. … Why would they need to inspect the Chicago Sanitary and Ship Canal? All of its contents float right on by in full public view.

• $300 million to buy hybrid vehicles for federal employees. … G-men: The new target demographic of the Prius.

• $210 million for state and local fire stations. … Just make sure they hide the craps tables.

• $1.2 billion for “youth activities” up to 24 years old, including summer job programs. … When I was 24 I traveled the country for three months on leftover student loan money, and I didn’t need any stimulus money for that.

• $25 million for tribal alcohol and substance abuse reduction. … Leave the hooch. Take the player’s card.

• $100 million for mnimizing the hazards of lead-based paint. … Here’s how you minimize the hazards: Don’t let your kid eat it.

It's not all bad, but a few of the items that made the cut do not warrant an immeidate allocation of federal cash, and others are just plain silly. Some of the most outrageously hypocritical items (such as $400 million for the CDC to research and "prevent" sexually transmitted diseases and $75 million for smoking cessation activities) were cut, but it doesn't mean you won't be reading about them in future posts.

Oh, and as for assistance for homeowners who weren't stupid enough to get caught up in the housing frenzy these last few years? Don't expect much of anything any time soon.